My soul was not feeling what the pastor urged me to feel…

You know that feeling you get when nothing obviously wrong is happening in front of your eyes, yet you feel uneasy? How certain can you be about your own thoughts and feelings though… when you’re only 13? At such a young age… does one’s “gut feeling” have any merit? How does one know what the world consists of when they’re heavily monitored from witnessing the outside world? No public TV, no secular music, only people we are allowed to interact with go to the same church / school… it’s like that feeling that something is “off”, like how Neo felt there was an reality outside of the Matrix, or Jim Carrey in the Truman Show…

This is the feeling I had as a very young teenager, standing in the pews in the sanctuary during church worship. Grown ass adults were singing, raising their hands, a few convulsing on the ground. The special guest speaker yelling passionately into the microphone above the live orchestra music “FEEL THE SPIRIT! FEEL THE SPIRIT!”

After about 13 years in this environment, I would have thought I would be capable of feeling this ‘spirit’ everybody was always raving about. But I never did. I observed the sanctuary as a spectator, wondering what all this fuss was about. It was in that moment I felt strongly that my life was being contrived.

Here’s a poem I wrote about this feeling… after knowing I was living a lie, then dying to become “of legal age” so I could finally live my life how I desired:

A small bright light
At the end of a tunnel
Like a star
It shines promisingly.
Taunting me…
I want it so bad!
It’s call is so strong…
But this darkness I’m in
Holds me back.
I have to endure it.
“Patience is a virtue”
So I wait
And watch the light.
It flickers and glimmers.


Name a time you felt something in your gut…

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