• Nobody wants your “Alpha” dick

    Nobody wants your “Alpha” dick

    How toxic masculinity is a huge turn off

    Some might say “girls only date assholes, never the nice guy”. I am here to tell you, this is partially true (especially in situations involving those with trauma) but those relationships with assholes don’t last… at least not “happily”.

         Influencers like Andrew Tate, who has been quoted saying extremely misogynistic things like “I’m not a rapist, but I like the idea of just being able to do what I want. I like being free.” while being investigated concerning abuse allegations, have become popular among incels and wannabe “alpha”males. Does anyone in their right mind think that guys like Andrew Tate are truly happy like this? I see it as a side effect of internal turmoil, masked with narcissism or other ego-driven bandaid fixes. 

         Hindsight is 20/20. Nothing is more painful than realizing you were used by some “alpha” to boost their ego, under the guise of false love. I used to be so attracted to assholes. Now when I say “nobody wants your alpha dick”… what I really mean is I wish I could go back in time with the experience I have now, and NOT dated any of those guys I had one night stands wit

    Photo by D-eye

         As a horny late teens chick who had zero confidence in my own abilities or worth, and no skills for socializing without the help of drugs and alcohol, I unfortunately fucked a handful of misogynistic assholes. They talked shit about other people, were emotionally unavailable, a little violent, and seemed to be respected or feared by other dudes for their “courage” or audacity. Of course, each of these dudes had some humor and charm to lure me in. 

         An addictive drug in their own way. In fact, I recall during each breakup… I felt like a junkie who was being forced to quit something powerful against my choice. So many tears and blood shed over those who only caused me anguish. 

    Photo by Travis

         Some might say “girls only date assholes, never the nice guy”… what a short lived era though, right? Do you think the asshole deserves an angel, and their partner is going to live happily ever after together? Come on! Give me a break! I think these supposed “nice guys” honestly are just assholes thinking that giving compliments and buying dinner means they are deserving of a blowjob, which is honestly just a different breed of asshole. 

         What truly makes a person happy? It’s in being *genuinely* cared for by someone who does not judge or control you. In order for that intimacy to occur, one must let go of their protective wall that they subconsciously uphold, the wall that we all think will protect us from being hurt again, prevents us from truly loving. I had a wall like this for a looooong time… 

    Photo by Boudoir of Cincinnati

         The attraction to jerks in itself is a phenomenon I still ponder… why was I attracted to those guys in my past? It was definitely due to my low self esteem, and their conquest-like method of courting me. When I had been “conquered” buy one of these jerks (ie: fucked, nailed, or labeled as their girlfriend or property… whatever) I felt like I was needed, wanted, fulfilling their desire, and therefore my life had purpose. But over time, that dynamic was only damaging to me. 

         I have heard over and over that our pain will continue to repeat its cycle with us over and over until we face the source. What was the source, for me? I had so much internal shame and guilt and feelings of inadequacy from my strict religious upbringing, I truly did not believe I deserved to be treated kindly. And when someone was kind to me, I was not attracted to them, because it didn’t feel rebellious enough for me. Subconsciously, I wanted to be treated like worthless scum, I wanted to be talked down to and belittled like how my father treated me. And that’s what I kept seeking… 

     

    Photo by Bunny Luna

          How did I overcome that? Honestly, just like any addict, I had to hit rock bottom. The last jerk that I was in a relationship with truly nearly destroyed me. He wore me down with criticism, belittlement, and fits of rage for 7.5 years. When I finally escaped, the trauma bond connection I had remaining left my heart with a literal physical burning sensation for over two months. My blood felt like battery acid, I dropped to 96lbs, lost my appetite completely, barely slept, moved into a van, and struggled with intense anxiety on a constant basis. 

         After almost 3 months of that suffering, I found kindness by looking into Travis’ eyes. We started hanging out as friends for a few weeks, and the only time that burning chest sensation eased was when I was looking into his eyes. The only cure to my broken state was eased by his presence. 

         He was careful with his words. He was curious and uplifting. He cared about my comfort and happiness. The previous, twisted version of myself would have friend-zoned such a guy. Maybe I don’t deserve him. Maybe it was wrong of me to get into a relationship so quickly after my last breakup, before healing myself. I am becoming aware of my faults and trying to do the work to better myself… but now that I am with a guy who is sensitive and caring, I finally feel like I can truly enjoy a relationship.  

         I can’t fault myself for the pain I caused myself through my past shitty relationships. We can’t control who we are attracted to, and we can’t find fault in those negative patterns until we are made aware of them. We all make mistakes and suffer, but if we can learn from those mistakes, we can be happier in the future! 

    *Kristy

    XoXo

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