Age 15 was a really revolutionary year for me...

I had a lot going on inside my little firy mind. With little to no mental or emotional support (beyond the recently discovered sweet solitude hard liquor brings to one’s troubled mind…)  I began to self destruct, and turned inward. I wrote so many poems… some of them will never see the light of day because I can’t bear to share certain things… but here’s a few…

*Photo by SK Images (note, I am in my 20s in this image, using it for it’s emotional effect. I did not start modeling until age 18) 

My thoughts scream “NO!”

But my body won’t listen. 

Am I dysfunctional? 

Still- I love it, I’m glad. 

I want you so bad. 

But he doesn’t. He says no. 

He follows my mind, 

Tries to control it. 

And makes me guilty. 

He should leave forever. 

Because he makes me hurt. 

Go away! Let me live!

It’s fine if I ignore him. 

No matter how he screams. 

Like a bird in a cage, 

Squawking when everyone else

Wishes it would shut up. 

 

*Photo by Evan Kane

Another poem, Nov 30, 2003

Yelling, arguing, disagreement. 

Oasis, quiet. 

Corrupt mind, internal fire. 

*Photo by Ryan Michael Kelley

I feel weird about sharing my dark poetry from my past. But maybe sharing my deep resentment can resonate with someone else out there, dealing with c-ptsd from yelling parents… or internalized shame from religious indoctrination… 

 

But what am I really hiding? I can’t completely hide it. Obviously my self expression has already taken form through my modeling. It’s time I write the thoughts behind why I writhe. 

 

Leave a comment below about your thoughts. Or maybe your own poetry? I am so curious to see what others do to deal with angst. 

 

*Kristy

XoXo

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