Or am I just finally loving myself? My guilt complex confuses me….
"Vanity is a sin…" I stared deeply into my own eyes… wondering why I was enjoying it. Do I enjoy being a sinner? Do I deserve to go to hell?
My 16 year old brain felt stretched thin between what I what had been conditioned to believe, and how I felt deep down… in my heart? In my gut? I don’t even know… but suddenly as I sit there on the floor, crouched against my mirrored closet doors, I felt that if vanity was a sin I could risk going to hell for… maybe it was worth it. I just had some fire inside me that I was forbidden to express. Soul-torture.
This experience has been burned into my memory… I had a mental conversation with myself at age 16, and struggled with the concept of vanity & sinfulness… why would God give me horny hormones and beauty if I were not meant to somehow express it? Was I truly satanic in my core? I suppose I am…
At least… I am glad I am NOW!! HA!