Kristy Jessica

  • Struggling to connect with you…

    Struggling to connect with you…

    The past few months have been an emotional struggle for me. I have been having c-ptsd triggers left and right.

    : Check out my other content sites here!!

         I am also feeling the pressure to improve my way of connecting with others online through blogging about my feelings and the things I have overcome leading up until now.

    I truly do appreciate the comments I get on my posts here… please drop an emoji even if you don’t normally comment… just so I know you are in tune with me here.

         I spill my heart out every day on platforms that most my peers just use as a content machine… but let me tell you, it’s HARD! I feel I am not connecting very well, and I feel like a lot of the responses are people who feel sorry for me instead of feeling like we are more connected.

         But we ALL have struggles, right? I am not trying to seperate us by blogging about things in my life that have been hard… I am trying to connect.

         Something my life coach allowed me to realize is that… I should not be emanating my pain and re-living it, I should be emanating the essence of my power in the present.

         So for now on, I am going to share with you the gold of what I have learned, not the details of my painful past. I want us to lift each other up, not wallow in my misery!

        Thanks so much to those of you who have stuck with me through the painful parts of my story, while I experiment through this life and come up with the most joyous ways to connect <3

    *Kristy Jessica
    XoXo

             

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  • I trusted too easily…

    I trusted too easily…

    There were some things I just *HAD* to do as soon as I turned 18!

    : Check out my other content sites here!! 
         For those of you who have been following my stories, I should throw some context for what was going on with me at the point of my life when I first started modeling. I counted down to the day I would become a legal adult. I raged at the fact I had to go to high school. I didn’t even go to my senior year because I turned 18 the summer after my junior year. I got my first job when I was 16 (fast food), bought my first car when I was 17, with my own money, even though my dad told me he would help contribute to the cost, I wanted to do everything on my own and be completely independent, apart from his control. 
    teenage me wearing my “If All Else Fails, At Least I’m Hott” tee

       

         I had been designing my first tattoo by tracing my own experimental designs on a notepad with sharpie marker. I got my first tattoo immediately after turning 18, and I truly love it 🙂 It’s my tramp stamp on my lower back. This was my physical reminder that my body was my own, and I could do what I wanted! To this day I still love my tattoo, and I couldn’t imagine my booty without it. It’s a part of me!

         I also got my belly button pierced, I still have and love my navel piercing!

    my naive little face back then

     

    Since I was a legal adult finally, it was time I ran myself through the crucible with drugs, sex, alcohol, and finally expressing my inner feminine beauty that I was shamed for for my whole life leading up until that point. I got approved to rent an apartment that summer with one of my coworkers who was only 17. I was finally free.

         One of my biggest problems was that I trusted everyone so easily. I didn’t know that the world would be full of people who wanted to take advantage of me. I didn’t know people would say “I love you” when they really were just trying to bleed you to death for everything you are. I didn’t know how health insurance worked. I didn’t know what collection agencies were. I didn’t know fake institutions would try to scam me. I wonder if my parents knew I would slingshot away so fast, if they’d have tried to prepare me? I probably wouldn’t have listened by that point anyway. I was so turned off by trying to be controlled. 

     

    Thanks for reading! 

    *Kristy

    XoXo

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  • Poetry from my troubled youth

    Poetry from my troubled youth

    Age 15 was a really revolutionary year for me…

    I had a lot going on inside my little firy mind. With little to no mental or emotional support (beyond the recently discovered sweet solitude hard liquor brings to one’s troubled mind…)  I began to self destruct, and turned inward. I wrote so many poems… some of them will never see the light of day because I can’t bear to share certain things… but here’s a few…

    *Photo by SK Images (note, I am in my 20s in this image, using it for it’s emotional effect. I did not start modeling until age 18) 

    My thoughts scream “NO!”

    But my body won’t listen. 

    Am I dysfunctional? 

    Still- I love it, I’m glad. 

    I want you so bad. 

    But he doesn’t. He says no. 

    He follows my mind, 

    Tries to control it. 

    And makes me guilty. 

    He should leave forever. 

    Because he makes me hurt. 

    Go away! Let me live!

    It’s fine if I ignore him. 

    No matter how he screams. 

    Like a bird in a cage, 

    Squawking when everyone else

    Wishes it would shut up. 

     

    *Photo by Evan Kane

    Another poem, Nov 30, 2003

    Yelling, arguing, disagreement. 

    Oasis, quiet. 

    Corrupt mind, internal fire. 

    *Photo by Ryan Michael Kelley

    I feel weird about sharing my dark poetry from my past. But maybe sharing my deep resentment can resonate with someone else out there, dealing with c-ptsd from yelling parents… or internalized shame from religious indoctrination… 

     

    But what am I really hiding? I can’t completely hide it. Obviously my self expression has already taken form through my modeling. It’s time I write the thoughts behind why I writhe. 

     

    Leave a comment below about your thoughts. Or maybe your own poetry? I am so curious to see what others do to deal with angst. 

     

    *Kristy

    XoXo

  • Let me re-introduce myself…

    Let me re-introduce myself…

    Hi, my name is Kristy Jessica…

    (Photo credit: Sensual Soul)

    Starting today, I am going to be telling you my story… the story of where I came from… it’s going to be kinda cringe at times, but you just might find some things in my story that you can relate to… at least I hope so…

    We need intimacy… So many images and captions online… who feels anything from all this, or is it all just “content manufacturing…?” I am hoping that this future blog will be a method of touching each other… digitally of course! 😉

    *Kristy

    XoXo

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