Is it always because I am focusing on pleasure? Or did I have my eyes closed during sex for other reasons too…?
Sometimes when I close my eyes during sex, it’s because I am concentrating on the pleasure. I find that closing my eyes at times helps me focus to achieve an orgasm. But I actually used to close my eyes for like… a 80-90% of a sexual interaction. Now I would say only about 20% of the time I am in the act, my eyes are closed. What has changed?
Is it attraction? That might be a small part of it, but that would be a very superficial excuse. I would say it’s connection, and my comfort level with my partner, Travis. Previously, I was gritting my teeth a lot… afraid to communicate because I was with a partner who was very critical and egotistical. The way I am treated by my partner in non-sexual scenarios also affects my sexual experience with them.
Outside of the bedroom counts. In the past I have had boyfriends who would make fun of my clothing style, point out my stretch marks in a distasteful way, minimize my accomplishments, or hyper-criticize my decisions on mundane things like what brand of toothpaste I chose, or what time I chose to eat breakfast in the morning. For those toxic relationships, I kept my mouth and eyes shut a lot more during sex. It’s not that it was never pleasurable physically, but it was not an emotionally connecting experience for me… so I didn’t want to communicate with my words or eyes. I didn’t want to not harm their ego by suggesting what might feel better for me, as I was putting THEIR pleasure as the priority, at the expense of my own discomfort. I was afraid of more criticism, or of a negative confrontation.
So how is my partner now different from my relationships of my past? We communicate our emotions, and we do not criticize eath other. We never make fun of each other, we NEVER fart shame! (I could write a whole post about fart shaming), we do not point out parts of each other’s bodies in disgust, we also do not make a habit of shit talking OTHER people’s perceived flaws. (Second-hand shame is a bad thing!)
Instead, we make a point to communicate how we think and feel, and to lift each other up, outside of the bedroom, which improves our intimacy and connection when we are having sex, or even just cuddling. I am not afraid to initiate a change of positions, I am not ashamed to say what feels good to me, I am not embarrassed about my little personal quirks and fetishes, or about indulging in my partner’s sexual quirks and fetishes. We LOVE indulging in each other at all lengths!
I used to think I just kept my eyes closed because I needed to focus in order to feel the pleasure more intensely, but now that I feel pleasure more easily and am more intimately comfortable with my current partner, I open my eyes more. I almost wish I could go back in time and tell my previous self to just say what I needed to say, even if it hurt those other guys’ egos, maybe the relationships would not have dragged on so painfully. But I can’t be resentful, I can only be happy for the love and pleasure that I have in my life now!
*Kristy Jessica
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