I was scared to try nude modeling, hopefully this time would be different…
“Try on these heels” The photographer handed me a box that still had price tags on it. I came to this place to pose nude for this man, and I had no reason to hesitate. This time was different. There was no hustled pile of paperwork and no mansplaining of what “opportunities” I shouldn’t miss out on… We discussed over email about exactly what we were going to shoot. I was not being drooled over, nor hovered over.
I sat on the white stool on the living room’s edge, my back to the window overlooking the rest of downtown Seattle from at least 20 stories high. The high heels were shiny black stiletto pumps with a little buckle strap around the ankle, never been worn. It felt nice – even luxurious- to be wearing such nice heels. Most of my shoes came from Ross or a thrift store. I bet these ones were at least $60..
“They fit perfect” I reported. He half smiled and motioned for me to sit next to the corner of the room, where to windowed walls met, overlooking the city.
“Here…” he handed me a fresh dark colored flower. “I picked this up at the market this morning”. It looked nice.
“Now I am just going to let you move as you wish, you can smell the flower, lean on the wall, and I will just take photos… pretend I am not even here, except to occasionally look into the camera”.
“Should I take off this robe now?” I needed confirmation that it was time for me to get naked… 16 years later, the model I am now would have just walked on set naked, but I was still unsure of myself.
“Yes, hand it here,” my skinny white arm stretched out with the white terrycloth textured robe at the end of it, he took the robe out of my hands and hung it back up in the bathroom for a moment.
“Oh, I almost forgot to put on some background music,” the photographer stated. He proceeded to walk over to his kitchen and fumble with some discs, I sat there, naked except for some stockings and heels, wondering if anyone in the skyscrapers across from this building was looking at me. What are they gonna do… call the cops? Nahhh lol….
Smooth jazz vibes from the 70s filled the studio apartment. Not the genre I would have asked for, but I didn’t bring my cd collection so I wasn’t going to complain. I had been sitting there naked for at least an eternity and he was taking his sweet time putting away my robe and getting music going… but hey I was sitting naked in some old guy’s apartment! Hello, guy… Take my picture!! I didn’t think about it at the time, but looking back, his lack of obsession over the fact that I was sitting there naked in his studio apartment was probably one of the main factors that kept me from feeling uneasy or creeped out.
Finally, he picked up his camera and started poking at its various buttons and dials. That seemed to take another eternity. I was still sitting there… naked… after a while he came closer to me, crouched down slowly with his camera to his eye, spun the lens a little, hovered… spun it again… and took one shot. I blinked…
“I blinked”, I reported.
“Oh just relax, I’m going to take a few moments to get the settings right, you don’t have to pose yet.” I didn’t have the vaguest idea what he was doing… so I just sat and patiently waited for another eternity while he stood there paying attention to the back of his camera, sitting there naked in this old guy’s apartment.
That back and forth dance of him taking a shot, staring into his camera and poking buttons and dials, happened over and over… Is this what the whole photoshoot is going to be like? I agonized… sitting there naked in this stranger’s apartment…
“Ok, we are ready to start!” He pronounced. I had thought we started what seemed like hours ago (but was honestly, probably just 10 or 15 minutes).
He sat about 5 feet away from where I was sitting, and started taking photos. He reminded me to be in my own world, smell the flower, think about things that make me smile, enjoy the high heels and stockings and feel them, etcetera.
As the music played, I did as he said, and he didn’t hardly speak a word, just mumbled an occasional “mmph” or “lovely” that sounded like it was in approval of whatever I was doing. That dance continued until my insecurity started to creep in, and he could tell.
“Let me grab your robe, and we can look at some of the images”. I was relieved. Unsure about what I was doing there, worried that he could possibly take advantage of me at any time… I could see him scrolling through images on the back of his camera. I could take him if I needed to. I thought to myself, guessing he was around 70 years old, a little hunched over… Wait, that’s crazy, he hasn’t made any sketchy moves! Why am I thinking like this? “Look at you!” He pushed the camera towards me, interrupting my mental spiral. My eyes landed on the little screen where I was beautiful. I was all skin and lust, and so beautiful. I was enriched with my own essence. Finally some way in the world, my inner sexy minx was allowed to exist!
“Wow I love these!” I wanted to sit and look at them all… but also wanted to shoot some more. We got right back to shooting.
After some time posing and emoting for his camera, I finally felt honored to be there. My body allowed itself to writhe and move without hesitation. I was, for the first time in my life, safe to be eroticized on my own terms.
I knew I took a risk at taking this offer, I felt it was risky to show up here alone… but who was I going to take with me? I didn’t have any friends who I wanted to talk about my nude modeling with… I just did this alone. Fortunately this time, I felt there was a little reward in my attendance, a complete 180 from my first photo shoot experience…
I hope you enjoyed reading this story. This moment was a turning point for me in my life. To be respected and to feel SAFE while exploring my sensuality was something I didn’t know how badly I craved!
I can’t wait to tell you more… for another post <3
*Kristy Jessica
XoXo
English